me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
You Might Also Like
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”