A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
This kid is going places
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
When can I start eating bats again.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.