Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
You Might Also Like
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.