Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Cucumbers Anonymous
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂