I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him