[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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Chemical wingman
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I created you as mosquito food.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.