alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Lmao
what could possibly go wrong?