Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
You Might Also Like
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay