“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
How it started: How it’s going:
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I’m going to need a moment here.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’