Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I will never stop laughing at this
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Canada has crack?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing