Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me when my alarm goes off
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
It was worth a shot 😂
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.