Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
You Might Also Like
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.