I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
You Might Also Like
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.