Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
This week’s mood.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
That’s no pocket rocket.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.