doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out