date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.