son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Yup….perfect score!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Whoa… oh I see lol