I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours