Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.