People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Found my door mat
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.