GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
you gotta be faster
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.