I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?