murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ