JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
At least he brought enough for everyone
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.