Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
smartest karate player in the world
nobody’s gonna understand
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Some people were born into their job.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie