Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar