me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
You Might Also Like
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive