Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Waiting for the Charmin
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream