[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I鈥檓 saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you say married people aren鈥檛 having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria鈥檚!!
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I needed a laugh this morning.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 馃ぃ
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Don鈥檛 waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I鈥檓 assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Not today
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.