Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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