All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You Might Also Like
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK