Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.