70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
that de-escalated quickly
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.