Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?