No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up