Do you want to taunt a snowman?
You Might Also Like
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk