Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Just a reminder, folks:
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.