Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Lassie, get help!
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth