your honor my client chooses dare
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears