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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I have never related to a cat more
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Is this a threat?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake