If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Pikachu found the lost joint
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
#milo
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.