DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*