Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Covid like
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s