me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences