DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
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I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I identify as an antique shop.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”