She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?