A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
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Is your wife single?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.