lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)