If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.