If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.